Same Time, Last Year

"The word of the Lord came to Jonah a second time," Jonah 3:1

Sitting at the Annual Conference for the North Carolina Conference of the United Methodist Church, I can't help but remember what it was like to sit here last year. There have been a lot of changes in the last year--well, nearly everything has changed since this time last year!

Last year, I sat in the audience with the oddest and scariest feeling--the fear of the unknown. I knew what God was calling me to do, but didn't want to take that step out of my comfort zone that I was so comfortable with. Before coming to annual conference last year, I was wrestling with the thought of applying to Candler School of Theology at Emory University.......in the strange and far off land of Georgia! During the week of conference last year, it was affirmed countless times that that step out of my comfort zone was required of me. Like Jonah, it took more than one time for me to go where God was leading me to go.

In faith alone, I took the step and then the moved to Georgia. The past year has been a total whirlwind, a test of faith, and one of the greatest blessings of my life!! I have struggled, questioned, been entirely outside of my comfort zone, learned, grown and experienced things that I never imagined I would have the opportunity to experience. I'm so thankful for the many words of encouragement during this time and for the many prayers said on my behalf--they were felt and greatly appreciated! I am thankful for the new friends that I have made in Georgia, they have been a wonderful source of strength, love and laughter.

The rest that this summer is offering is much welcomed and I'm enjoying the opportunity to be home for a time and seeing family and friends. I'm excited for the year to come (though I've been warned that it will be harder than the first). I'm excited to be interning at Snellville UMC in the fall and can't wait to see what God has in store there!

Going to the Well

"Out of breath I am left hoping someday, I'll breathe again" - Sara Bareilles, "Breathe Again"

Midterms are over at last and Spring Break has begun -- though I do have a couple of papers to write and lots of reading to do over the break :) And I'm going home to NC, to see family and friends!! I was just looking at the reading that I want to accomplish over break and am wondering if that will actually happen. I would like to get caught up and ahead in class readings if possible and squeeze in a little reading for myself. A break is supposed to fit in here somewhere, right....
During this season of Lent, I have been trying to set aside time to find the quiet and really examine this wilderness that is life. I have been reading Sarah Parson's "A Clearing Season" as part of my devotions. In it, she describes going into the wilderness with Jesus during this season and examining what is there, what we can embrace and what needs to be cleared out.
Trying to relax in the quiet has proven to be quite difficult the last week or so. Quiet is hard to find. Distractions are abounding. It is easy to put it off when there is reading and studying to be done. Its studying for an Old Testament exam, reading for worship planning and pastoral care, and writing an essay for History of Christian Thought -- I mean, it's generally the same idea right? It's studying God's word and writing about good ole theologians like Luther and Calvin....so that counts, doesn't it? Not quite. It's like talking about a friend, rather talking to the friend. With the interruptions, distractions and noise, I have found, especially in the last few days, a desire for the simple and the quiet. I am very much a small town girl in the middle of this ginormous city! :) Very thankful for Spring Break--but as I said above, there are still papers to be written, reading to be done, an exegetical paper to start, and a sermon to start preparing (can we say nervous). But somewhere in there, I will find the quiet. I need to find the quiet.
Today in Chapel, Bishop Willimon preached a sermon about the 10 commandments. Though this had nothing to do with his sermon, as he was reading the scripture (Ex. 20:1-17), I was reminded--"Remember the Sabbath, and keep it holy." The Sabbath isn't necessarily Saturday or Sunday, but a day set aside to rest from your labors and spend time with God. Going to church on Sunday morning and then coming home to read and write assignments for the next week, doesn't quite count for a Sabbath for me.
So, as I head into this next week, excited about seeing my family and friends, I look for the quiet and look forward to spending a little extra time with God.

"I have what you need, but you keep on searching, 

I've done all the work, but you keep on working,

When you're running on empty, and you can't find the remedy,

Just come to the Well...

Leave it all behind, and come to the Well"

Casting Crowns, "The Well"

Song(s) of the week: "The Well" Casting Crowns; "Open My Hands" Sara Groves

What's Shakin'?

 "And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns."

Philippians 1:6 NLT

 As I look back today, this week has been incredible--not easy--but an amazing week full of reminders of God's faithfulness and guidance!! For that, I am so thankful. 

The lectures this week have been great! On Tuesday,  Dr. Paccini gave a beautiful lecture on Calvin and the Pieta. On Wednesday, my Planning Christian Worship professor spoke to me after class with a very heartfelt message of affirmation of my calling, something that I really needed to hear. 

With my religious background, education, and love of creative writing, sometimes I feel like a fish out of water in this great place of academia called Emory. My brain hasn't made that switch over to critical and argumentative writing--I hate reading boring papers, therefore I really don't like to write boring papers which is apparently what some want :). Not an easy transition for a naturally creative mind, but I'm working on it.  But sometimes, you simply feel inadequate. I am going to be honest, there have been many moments of doubt these last few weeks, but God has been abundant! God has been faithful! And the ground is shaking….

This past week was Black Student Caucus in Chapel. Thursday we had CHURCH! And it was absolutely wonderful! The message was incredible and unusual. I cannot easily remember ever hearing a sermon preached on Leah - not Jacob and Rachel and Leah - but Leah. The sermon was titled "Leah's Legacy." Dr. Parker walked us through Leah's story in Genesis and took that little bit of information that we have on her, the history and society of the time and gave us new eyes to look at Leah. Leah's legacy was giving birth in hard times--not only to children, but to her joy, to her redemption as the one who was unloved, to her independence. God looked down on Leah in her time of need and opened her womb and she gave birth. Dr. Parker of course, tied in the fact that Leah's fourth son was Judah, the ancestor of David, who was the ancestor of our Lord Jesus Christ. If we have put our faith in Christ, then Leah's Legacy is our legacy--knowing that God is ever present with us, will hear us and open our hearts to give birth to God's plan in hard times.

I had dinner with a wonderful friend Friday night. It was the first time that we had been able to go out to dinner together and really sit and share. As we shared, it became evident that our lives have been very similar and we have gone through many of the same valleys and also the same struggles at Candler. She shared with me something that had really spoke to her heart. She had attended a Bible study a few weeks back and the topic had been on Shaking your foundation. Sometimes the ground is shaking and we ask God why, only to discover that it is God who's doing the shaking. The question was posed--what is God shaking about your foundation? What has someone told you about yourself, that you believed and made part of your foundation that isn't of God? Sometimes, God wants to get us out of our comfort zone and away from those influences and shake us to realize the truth of who God is so that we can be who God has called us to be. When I got home from dinner, I had received a wonderful gift from a friend back in Wilmington, who had me on her heart and mailed a book to me. The book is  "A Confident Heart", which I look forward to reading after midterms.

So...giving birth in hard times, shaking ground and a confident heart. A perfect way to summarize the week and exactly the messages needed during these times here at seminary. Upperclassmen at Candler have described their seminary experience as death, burial and resurrection -- I'm a first year, halfway through and definitely understanding their meaning of the death phase. The work is mountainous, and hard, and different than anything I have ever done in my life. Separating the academia from the spiritual is kind of hard (especially since you would think they should go hand in hand). So with the threat of seminary death looming overhead, my foundations have begun to shake. I have been reviewing things that I have accepted as truth about me but have no part of who God is and can see the areas that God is molding (and of course, I'm sure there are those that I cannot see). And all the while, I'm praying to live into Leah's legacy of giving birth in hard times--knowing that God's plan is being birthed in me and I'm being shaped into the woman God created me to be. 

As I head into midterm season, I have a renewed excitement and am looking at this journey with new vision. And as my friend asked me, I now ask you -- Is your foundation shaking?The God who heard Leah and redeemed her from her situation is the same God we call on today! We have the same hope and the same hand to hold when our foundations are shaking.

Song of the week: Hillsong United's "Desert Song"

Allergies, bad moods and praise

Well, I'm not quite to the half way point of the semester and this has been the week where everything has really hit me. I started not to post anything this week, but felt bad because I didn't post anything last weekend because I was sick. Then I remembered, I did say the ups and the downs. So here we go. 
This week has definitely been on the down side of things. I can't even pinpoint one exact thing that started it all. Last Friday was just not a good day. All day long nothing seemed to go right and when I finally stopped and said "What in the world is going on with me?" I realized that I really felt crappy and that was probably the cause of my rotten day and bad mood. As the day went on, so did the sickness. The week continued on with me sick - gotta love allergies in February (yes, I have pollen on my car today)! Antihistamines and theological writings do not mix well at all, I have found. 


All week long, I just couldn't shake this "I'm in a bad mood" feeling. I tried to hide it as best I could. And then, I'd feel guilty for being in a bad mood. Thursday morning, I spoke to a true and wonderful friend who reminded me that it was okay to be in this place and I shouldn't feel guilty about it. I was reminded that I was loved and prayed for, and though our conversation couldn't be very long, all that needed to be said was said. I am so very thankful for such a wonderful friend!
As I have thought over the last week, I have been reminded of some of the lectures in my Old Testament class. We were talking about the lament in Psalms and how it is in those periods of lament that we learn what true praise is. Whether a major crisis has occurred or the Psalmist found himself in a valley he didn't understand, the Psalmist cried out to God and through the confusion found praise. 


I was standing in a store yesterday when I realized the date. I am now not surprised that I have been in a bad mood this last week. Since 1997, a cloud has always loomed over the first part of February. And the cloud was made a little heavier in 2001. So my praise in this week of a bad mood, horrible allergy attack and mountain of work (which I now find myself behind in) is--thank you Lord for blessing my life with wonderful people.  I could've never asked for a sweeter, more precious woman to have been my grandmother--I miss her everyday and I cannot believe that she has been absent from my life for 15 years. And thank you for the all to brief time of having Laura Bailey as a friend--"Think of Laura, laugh don't cry, I know she'd want it that way". When I think of Laura, I can't help but remember her beautiful smile and her even more beautiful heart. 
Clara Robinson Aug. 1931-Feb. 11, 1997
Laura Bailey Dec. 1984-Feb. 14, 2001
Cherish the people you love and hold dear. Tell them you love them, and not just on Valentine's Day.


Now, I don't want to end this post on too serious a note.... so here is a little tidbit that I learned in Old Testament.
What is the difference between demons and angels??
Bat wings and mean faces :) 
Oh! And Isaiah was a streaker!

Fear-less, faith-full, and facing Goliath

My second semester of seminary is in full swing, hundreds of pages to read and 3 papers are due within the coming week - "Welcome back!!" :) It has been an eventful week, walking past the edges of my comfort zone and coming back with a new perspective and excitement.

I had been back into classes for all of two days and was already getting to go home to Wilmington for an extended short trip! I had a wonderful weekend spending time with great friends, attending a baby shower, getting to spend time with Zachary (the baby that I kept for so long) and getting lots of snuggle time with him -- he's getting so big so fast, already 16 months old. But as Sunday drew to a close and the meeting of the coming week got closer and closer, my chest was getting tighter and tighter. See, I had come home for two reasons--the baby shower on Saturday and to go before Goliath, I mean the District Committee on Ordained Ministry (DCOM), on Tuesday. I had heard so many mixed reviews of experiences with DCOM from others at Candler, I had not idea what to expect - this Goliath loomed over me with a towering presence. I received encouragement from those all around me, was prayed over by my church family and given a reminder on Tuesday morning from my pastor that I am POSSESSED (in a good way :) ) by the spirit of Jesus Christ! My head knew all of this, as did my heart but I just couldn't shake this feeling! As Pastor Jenny was talking to me Tuesday morning, I was listening, but pretty silent because I felt if I opened my mouth, I would burst into tears and couldn't give you a good reason except that I was nervous. I knew God had brought me to this place, and I knew that God would see me through it, but I was still nervous!

Once I sat down in the chair, and the questions began, most of the nerves faded away! I could feel the Holy Spirit within me pushing the remaining fears aside. Goliath turned out to be nice and welcoming and affirming! I was so blessed to have a great experience with this committee! I really couldn't have asked for a better committee to go before.  And am so thankful to now be a Certified Candidate! One step further in this journey of answering the call of God! And, this blog actually came from one of the suggestions made by a committee member.

Wednesday found a new challenge. Since August, I, and 7 other seminary students, have been serving at The Church of the Holy Comforter as our Contextual Education site for our first year. It is an Episcopal mission that offers day programs for people with mental illness and disability. I have often been challenged by the members and experiences at Holy Comforter.

Last semester our group put together a Wednesday afternoon program of arts and crafts, games, Bible study, snack time and music. I think most of us thought that we would carry on with the same program with a few tweaks. But, as we sat in our gathering room Wednesday, we were suddenly surprised to learn we would be starting a hand clinic. One of the many negative symptoms of people with mental illness is that they do not really take basic hygiene into consideration. And then, in great detail (we're talking about an hour, hour and a half) we learned how to wash our hands and talked about what was clean and contaminated! I felt as though I should walk around in a hazmat suit all the time! Many thoughts were swirling around in my head and I could tell from the looks of others in the group, their heads were spinning too. 

So was it all the germy information we were being overloaded with or the thought of washing, cleaning out from under someone else's nails and then cutting and filing their nails, testing their hand strength and sensitivity and looking at their skin for abrasions and cuts, things that need medical attention, that was causing our heads to spin and nerves to flutter? As has happened many times at Holy Comforter, I began to be convicted of my attitude towards the hand clinic and was reminded of Jesus washing the disciples' feet. Who knows what conversations this may start. Sometimes we all want a hug, a pat on the back or someone to simply touch our hand with some kind of affection. In a lot of cases, people with mental illness often know touch as pain and abuse. One of our first conversations at Holy Comforter was about being sure to set your own physical boundaries and be as clear as you can about them and also to be cautious when touching someone at Holy Comforter - ask permission, whether its to shake their hand, give a hug or even a simple pat on the shoulder.  I am blessed to be able to care for myself and know to clean out from under my nails and can cut them myself and have feeling in my fingertips. This clinic is doing something basic for others and giving people who are often starved for touch a chance to be pampered and be touched. While I am still nervous of the challenge ahead, and do think this new project could have been presented a little better, I know that this is part of Christ's calling - taking care and loving each other, no matter where we're from, where we live, or what kind of gunk is under our nails.

I had the wonderful opportunity to listen to Dr. Bernard Lafayette deliver a sermon Thursday in Cannon Chapel at Emory. Dr. Lafayette worked with Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and spoke of the days leading up to Dr. King's death. His scriptural text was 2 Timothy 1:1-10, part of Paul's last letter to Timothy. Dr. Lafayette said that Paul is giving Timothy instructions on the 3 F's - fearlessness, faithfulness, and forgiveness. Fearlessness is simply fearing less - it's not that fear isn't present, or as Dr. Lafayette said "having no fear is equivalent to craziness". Fear may be present but it does not dominate, we are not to be overcome by fear. Faithfulness is to be full of faith, which allows us to have courage, and brings confidence and assurance -- which allows us to fear less. And forgiveness is freedom, it is for giving, not taking -- for giving up, not holding on.

This message really rang true with everything that I had experienced this week. Looking back through this lens, I am able to see Christ working within me, reshaping and molding me. It wasn't that I doubted God would lead me through the meeting, because I knew that God had led me to that point. It isn't so much that I'm uneasy about serving in the hand clinic, but knowing that with faith, I am not overcome by fear!  Last semester, my Old Testament professor showed the class a video of him acting out the story of David and Goliath with his son. His son was portraying his 4 yr old view of David, excitedly shouting at the top of his lungs, "You come to me with a shield and a sword - but I come to you in the name of the Lord!" Then he hurled his imaginary sling shot around and flung it at the camera (which the professor was holding  as he portrayed Goliath) and then Goliath (the camera) fell to the ground. I remember reading that story when I was little and thinking "WOW!" But David didn't just face Goliath without fear.  At this point in David's life, he didn't have any training as a soldier, he was simply a young shepherd. Saul's armor was too heavy for David. David was stepping out of his comfort zone to face a giant of a man because he knew that God was with him -- he was full of faith in God, which allowed him to fear less. 

Life is full of Goliaths that we have to face. As Christians, we have the promise that we will never be forsaken - "I am with you always" (Matt. 28:20). And when we take that step out onto the field to face that giant-we can do so in confidence knowing that "if God is for us, who can be against us?" (Rom 8:31) We know that God hasn't given us a spirit of fear, but of fear-lessness!

This week has been a busy week and I am slowly getting caught up from missing classes on Tuesday and trying to stay on top of the week to come. I am excited to see where God is leading and what is to be learned this semester! Seat belt is fastened, coffee is in hand, God is with me… let's do it!

Sorry this post is a little on the long side but thank you for taking the time to read my first blog :) I hope to post at least once a week as I reflect on what has happened during my studies, lectures and day to day events. If you have any questions for me, suggestions or comments, please email me! I would love hear from you! Until next time…...Num. 6:24-26  <3