My second semester of seminary is in full swing, hundreds of pages to read and 3 papers are due within the coming week - "Welcome back!!" :) It has been an eventful week, walking past the edges of my comfort zone and coming back with a new perspective and excitement.
I had been back into classes for all of two days and was already getting to go home to Wilmington for an extended short trip! I had a wonderful weekend spending time with great friends, attending a baby shower, getting to spend time with Zachary (the baby that I kept for so long) and getting lots of snuggle time with him -- he's getting so big so fast, already 16 months old. But as Sunday drew to a close and the meeting of the coming week got closer and closer, my chest was getting tighter and tighter. See, I had come home for two reasons--the baby shower on Saturday and to go before Goliath, I mean the District Committee on Ordained Ministry (DCOM), on Tuesday. I had heard so many mixed reviews of experiences with DCOM from others at Candler, I had not idea what to expect - this Goliath loomed over me with a towering presence. I received encouragement from those all around me, was prayed over by my church family and given a reminder on Tuesday morning from my pastor that I am POSSESSED (in a good way :) ) by the spirit of Jesus Christ! My head knew all of this, as did my heart but I just couldn't shake this feeling! As Pastor Jenny was talking to me Tuesday morning, I was listening, but pretty silent because I felt if I opened my mouth, I would burst into tears and couldn't give you a good reason except that I was nervous. I knew God had brought me to this place, and I knew that God would see me through it, but I was still nervous!
Once I sat down in the chair, and the questions began, most of the nerves faded away! I could feel the Holy Spirit within me pushing the remaining fears aside. Goliath turned out to be nice and welcoming and affirming! I was so blessed to have a great experience with this committee! I really couldn't have asked for a better committee to go before. And am so thankful to now be a Certified Candidate! One step further in this journey of answering the call of God! And, this blog actually came from one of the suggestions made by a committee member.
Wednesday found a new challenge. Since August, I, and 7 other seminary students, have been serving at The Church of the Holy Comforter as our Contextual Education site for our first year. It is an Episcopal mission that offers day programs for people with mental illness and disability. I have often been challenged by the members and experiences at Holy Comforter.
Last semester our group put together a Wednesday afternoon program of arts and crafts, games, Bible study, snack time and music. I think most of us thought that we would carry on with the same program with a few tweaks. But, as we sat in our gathering room Wednesday, we were suddenly surprised to learn we would be starting a hand clinic. One of the many negative symptoms of people with mental illness is that they do not really take basic hygiene into consideration. And then, in great detail (we're talking about an hour, hour and a half) we learned how to wash our hands and talked about what was clean and contaminated! I felt as though I should walk around in a hazmat suit all the time! Many thoughts were swirling around in my head and I could tell from the looks of others in the group, their heads were spinning too.
So was it all the germy information we were being overloaded with or the thought of washing, cleaning out from under someone else's nails and then cutting and filing their nails, testing their hand strength and sensitivity and looking at their skin for abrasions and cuts, things that need medical attention, that was causing our heads to spin and nerves to flutter? As has happened many times at Holy Comforter, I began to be convicted of my attitude towards the hand clinic and was reminded of Jesus washing the disciples' feet. Who knows what conversations this may start. Sometimes we all want a hug, a pat on the back or someone to simply touch our hand with some kind of affection. In a lot of cases, people with mental illness often know touch as pain and abuse. One of our first conversations at Holy Comforter was about being sure to set your own physical boundaries and be as clear as you can about them and also to be cautious when touching someone at Holy Comforter - ask permission, whether its to shake their hand, give a hug or even a simple pat on the shoulder. I am blessed to be able to care for myself and know to clean out from under my nails and can cut them myself and have feeling in my fingertips. This clinic is doing something basic for others and giving people who are often starved for touch a chance to be pampered and be touched. While I am still nervous of the challenge ahead, and do think this new project could have been presented a little better, I know that this is part of Christ's calling - taking care and loving each other, no matter where we're from, where we live, or what kind of gunk is under our nails.
I had the wonderful opportunity to listen to Dr. Bernard Lafayette deliver a sermon Thursday in Cannon Chapel at Emory. Dr. Lafayette worked with Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and spoke of the days leading up to Dr. King's death. His scriptural text was 2 Timothy 1:1-10, part of Paul's last letter to Timothy. Dr. Lafayette said that Paul is giving Timothy instructions on the 3 F's - fearlessness, faithfulness, and forgiveness. Fearlessness is simply fearing less - it's not that fear isn't present, or as Dr. Lafayette said "having no fear is equivalent to craziness". Fear may be present but it does not dominate, we are not to be overcome by fear. Faithfulness is to be full of faith, which allows us to have courage, and brings confidence and assurance -- which allows us to fear less. And forgiveness is freedom, it is for giving, not taking -- for giving up, not holding on.
This message really rang true with everything that I had experienced this week. Looking back through this lens, I am able to see Christ working within me, reshaping and molding me. It wasn't that I doubted God would lead me through the meeting, because I knew that God had led me to that point. It isn't so much that I'm uneasy about serving in the hand clinic, but knowing that with faith, I am not overcome by fear! Last semester, my Old Testament professor showed the class a video of him acting out the story of David and Goliath with his son. His son was portraying his 4 yr old view of David, excitedly shouting at the top of his lungs, "You come to me with a shield and a sword - but I come to you in the name of the Lord!" Then he hurled his imaginary sling shot around and flung it at the camera (which the professor was holding as he portrayed Goliath) and then Goliath (the camera) fell to the ground. I remember reading that story when I was little and thinking "WOW!" But David didn't just face Goliath without fear. At this point in David's life, he didn't have any training as a soldier, he was simply a young shepherd. Saul's armor was too heavy for David. David was stepping out of his comfort zone to face a giant of a man because he knew that God was with him -- he was full of faith in God, which allowed him to fear less.
Life is full of Goliaths that we have to face. As Christians, we have the promise that we will never be forsaken - "I am with you always" (Matt. 28:20). And when we take that step out onto the field to face that giant-we can do so in confidence knowing that "if God is for us, who can be against us?" (Rom 8:31) We know that God hasn't given us a spirit of fear, but of fear-lessness!
This week has been a busy week and I am slowly getting caught up from missing classes on Tuesday and trying to stay on top of the week to come. I am excited to see where God is leading and what is to be learned this semester! Seat belt is fastened, coffee is in hand, God is with me… let's do it!
Sorry this post is a little on the long side but thank you for taking the time to read my first blog :) I hope to post at least once a week as I reflect on what has happened during my studies, lectures and day to day events. If you have any questions for me, suggestions or comments, please email me! I would love hear from you! Until next time…...Num. 6:24-26 <3
